Sorry for the aggression friends, but I have officially had Slip Up #2. And my body HATES me for it right now. And honestly, I have possibly had a 'chick flick' kind-of moment where I took a good, hard long look in the mirror and just quietly hated myself.
I DID try to fight it however, so that counts for something, right???? RIGHT?!?!?
*NOTE* Please ignore ANY desperation you come across in this particular blog post. It is merely my lower intestine talking as it groans and churns in what can only be described as an attempt to make my life difficult and somewhat uncomfortable.
I'll start at the beginning:
It 'twas Saturday morn when my in-laws - whom I love dearly & who I do NOT hold responsible in any way, shape or form - stopped by for a cup of tea. Lovely! We sat and chatted and they revealed they were on their way out for the day, to a small Adelaide tourist town in the hills known as Hahndorf - where everything is German and the kransky is KING. "Ray" - who never really says no to delicacies from around the globe - asks if we can join them and yes! We can! I was happy to be spending a lovely Adelaide afternoon with my family perusing shops and taking photos like a Chinese tourist.
Before I know it, it's lunch time. That's OK, I tell myself, because there are ALWAYS healthy options when dining out. I have been out a couple of times for various reasons and have found Thai Beef Salad and Chicken and Cashew Stir Fry have become my new best friends (sorry old best friends: garlic bread, fettuccine carbonara and Rachel). So after choosing a venue, I happily sit down and start flicking through the menu to see what it is exactly I will be eating this fine autumn day.
Funny thing about Germans...they don't do Thai salads or stir frys. Go figure.
So my options were pretty much this: crumbed chicken schnitzel, lightly crumbed steak schnitzel, slightly-lightly-kind-of crumbed crumbs OR a plate full of various dead things that was referred to as a "Mixed Grill". Or there was a kransky, of course. I figured eating crumbs on crumbs was pretty high carb, and my hankering for a farm animal platter just wasn't there at that particular moment, so that left me with the schnitzels. ATTEMPTING to make a somewhat HEALTHY choice, I went the lightly crumbed steak schnitzel, figuring that I haven't done this in months and what could the damage be?
Erm, my damage arrived shortly after ordering:
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| I can't even LOOK at it without wanting to die... |
I equate 'the damage' to being similiar to a semi driving straight into the lounge room of a house without ever hitting the brake.
What you have to realise is that in the past, I would eat this sort of stuff without too much drama. I mean, I used to get the cranks when they would waste my plate space with salad (because it took away from the beauty of the meat deep-friedness, obviously). Today, I was frantically searching for any sign of vegetable and had to seriously talk up the presence of mushrrom in the sauce and parsley as a garnish (It's OK Heidi, there's mushroom - they're high in Vitamin B and potassium! And parsley - that's...green...)
Anyway, I eventually figured that I may as well enjoy this forbidden fruit cow and so I started eating. It was pretty good and for a little while I was secretly happy that I had NO CHOICE but to order this meal. I was also still having a lovely day out with the fam so I continued to chow down.
After lunch, we moved on and continued to meander through Hahndorf, enjoying the sites and pissing off the locals by doing things like standing in the middle of a busy road to take a picture of a tree, or standing in the middle of a busy shop to take a picture of an antique, or standing in the middle of a walkway to take a picture of...I think you get how my afternoon went. An hour or so into my new-found photographic endeavour and I realised that I'm about to be in a world of hurt as my stomach, which has been bloated like a BITCH since lunch, begun to gurgle and burble and babble. It was SO bad that I began to think that my ENTIRE digestive system was watching me take completely random and useless photos like a tourist and had assumed that I DIDN'T speak English and therefore it had BEGUN to communicate with me in what it thought was my NATIVE TONGUE.
Sorry tummy, I don't speak FULL AS FUCK.
By the time we head back to the car, I am ready to explode. By the time we get home, my fear of exploding has been overtaken by the imminent occurance of me IMPLODING, because I was pretty sure that all the grease, oil, breadcrumb and meat had just proven too much for my sensitive stomach and therefore it had given up and allowed everything to just collapse in on itself. (Of course the mushroom and parsley would be fighting to keep my gastrointestinal system from completely failing, because, well...they're mushroom and parsely and they solider on in the face of danger).
Undramatically enough, I didn't implode. Or explode. Or even spew, which is a good thing. No, instead I managed to see off my in-laws with a smile whilst thanking them for a lovely day - which, don't get me wrong, it still was.
But seriously, who WAS the genius that thought lightly-crumbed schnitzel was a GOOD idea?!?!?!
Hate to be that schmuk.
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